A few years ago i head a joke which to this day still makes me smirk when i think about it. Its a little long but stick with it, its worth it.

A man is walking down main street on Sunday afternoon and passes a bar, he decides to go in to have a beer while he reads the Sunday paper. On entering he thinks to himself that they are playing some great music, and its pretty loud, but that’s ok.  He goes to the bar, grabs the attention of the guy behind it and orders a frosty one. While he waits for it to arrive he looks around and notices that there are a few people in there but its not packed. As he turns back, the bartender puts down in front of him a cold mug filled with the amber nectar of  the gods. He takes a sip and starts reading his paper. Suddenly as he is reading the sports section, he is struck with a sharp pain in his gut, but much to his relief. He realises that it wasn’t last nights peperoni and mushroom pizza visiting its revenge on him. It was just the mother of all farts making its way to his bung hole.

Looking around he see’s that no one is really near him , and the music is still pretty loud. So he decides to fart in time to the chorus so no one would be the wiser to what he was doing. The song plays and he is pretty good at timing the farts, only once or twice did he have to pinch them off as the song changed or it got to a quiet melody. He eventually finished his beer and decided to head off home shortly afterwards. As he steps out of the bar a friend of his bumps into him and say’s hello, but the music from the bar was still too loud, and he shouts this to his friend.

Who then reachs up to the sides of his head and takes out the ipod earphone’s stuck in his ears. The only sound he then heard was everyone in the bar killing themselves laughing.

I cant help it, it still makes me laugh. Anyway, this brings me to something that happened to me today.

I was leaving a meeting and talking to one of the other people who had been in it, discussing some action points which we needed to follow up on as a result of the meeting. I walked towards the lift well so i could go back to my floor and was pretty deep into our conversation. The lift arrived and while still talking to my colleague I backed into it, and hit the button for my floor. The doors closed and i took a moment for myself.

By this i mean i let rip a series of giant reverbarating farts which i had been holding in for half of the meeting, for fear of gassing everyone in the room. It felt great to finally release the pressure. Now one of the things i have done ever since a little child is to make like im pulling on a steam whistle or truck horn chain when i am alone and letting a big one rip. I think its because i used to say “Toot toot” at the same time when i was little as a joke or something.

So with my hand in the air mid pretend whistle/truck horn pull i hear over the sound of my not so little motor, someone cough, and it fucking wasn’t me.

I turn arround and there ladies and gentleman, i swear to you, was the COO of our company. I quickly smiled at him, gave a little nod, straightned up, said excuse me, turned back to the doors just as they opened on to a floor and got out of that fucking elevator.

All the while my internal monologue voice was screaming.


I’m not liking my bonus chances as much as i did yesterday.