It never rains but pours.

Either i have done something to seriously piss off someone up stairs. Or i am putting myself on the path for a Darwin award. But either way i have been tested, and my friends i can tell you this now. A lesser man would have failed.

Last week i had a run in with the pizza that had roasted birdseye chillies on it. I managed to screw myself over by picking the chillies off the pizza to eat them, and then rubbed the inside of my eye lid to deal with an eye irritation. I did also have a synthetic tears compound on my finger at the time. But i also had the residual capsaicin from the roasted chillies on that finger too. Simply put i spent half an hour wishing i was dead, and cursing how stupid i was and wondering if i got a plastic spoon and scraped the inner layer of skin off the inside of my eye lid would i get some relief. But just now, i have managed to follow it up, in an even more awe inspiring act of stupidity.

I went shopping for dinner on my way home tonight, and i decided to give chillies another chance, and being the big dumb bastard that I am i figured i may as well give the birdseye chilli another go to. To show that there were no hard feelings you see. Well i tell you! There may not have been before, but as god as my witness there are now, and by god and all that is holy i will have my vengeance.

Dinner. Chicken, basil, chillies, classic tofu, soy sauce, sugar, salt, garlic and steamed rice. Fairly basic. I de-seeded the chillies figuring that i should ease back into things as much as i could with these babies. Prep all the other ingredients, and whip up the dish. To finish things off i garnish with a few more chopped de-seeded chillies. I then consume the dish, and while there was some heat there i pushed through it, and congratulated myself on making my chilli comeback.

This is where i was brought low for the first time tonight, but sadly not the last nor the worst. Because as i took off my glasses to give them a bit of a clean my thumb touched just under my eyelid. i didn’t think anything of it, it barely registered in my consciousness. A minute or two later i scratched an itch which had appeared under my eye. BAM!!!! I just touched off another fucking nuke on my face. I have for all intents and purposes just pepper sprayed myself. AGAIN.

But this time, it wasn’t so bad. Id been here before, and unlike last time i knew there was an end. It wouldn’t be quick and i knew id be in pain for a time to come. But it would pass. Unlike last time i went without the desk thumping, and head banging. I just got very zen, and kept saying to myself, this too shall pass. Occasionally wiping away the tears that my body betrayed me with. I made a point of washing my hands a few times so as not to have a second incident, and settled in to ride out the pain.

Eventually it passed and all i could do was sit there and laugh at myself. TWICE! TWICE! I had stitched myself up twice in less than a week. Oh what a rube i was. What a maroon. Oh haha ha. Fuck i was so naive.

After recovering for two hours, i found myself on the couch watching a Rick Stein travel food show. Curries was its theme. I sat there absently watching the show, just taking pleasure in being pain free, and floating on the cloud of endorphins that flooded my body in response to the pain from earlier. Then i did something which i will regret for the rest of my life.

I had an itch, and just like any other typical bloke i scratched it. No big deal.

Sadly, it was a big deal, a very very very VERY big deal.

Because i had scratched an itch on a rather private part of me, and i had attended to that itch thoroughly. You honestly can not conceiveof the pain i suddenly found myself in, unless you have some how managed to set fire to your own balls. If you have managed that, then you have my sympathies, because i too have felt your pain.

Sadly my zen approach did not do me much good this time. Chanting “This too shall pass” as you feel like someone has dipped the most sensitive bits of you into acid, just doesn’t do a fucking thing. In fact it pissed me off. Because the instant reaction when you are hurt down there is to cup it, and protect it form any further damage. But that is exactly the wrong thing to do in this instance. So i spent most of the last 45 minutes fighting nature, and keeping my hands off myself. Its amazing the clarity of thought you can achieve when your mind is being dominated by a pure burst of agony which truly feels as if it will never end. Seconds seem to stretch out to hours.

It meant i had plenty of time to think about what i had done, what this meant about my previously assumed level of intelligence, and also if pain persisted, would i have to head down to the hospital and have to try and explain to some intern exactly what i had done to myself.

Thankfully it has begun to pass. Enough for me to see through the tears, and focus on writing this post to keep my mind focused on something other than the pain. I know this has been a rather long post, but things have now started to become more dull and uncomfortable rather than the torture of the last hour, which is a massive improvement.

Tomorrow on the way to work I’m buying a lottery ticket because surely my luck needs to change now. Other than being hit by a train i cant see how i could go though something worse.