Archive for March, 2010

How Embarrassment.

A few years ago i head a joke which to this day still makes me smirk when i think about it. Its a little long but stick with it, its worth it.

A man is walking down main street on Sunday afternoon and passes a bar, he decides to go in to have a beer while he reads the Sunday paper. On entering he thinks to himself that they are playing some great music, and its pretty loud, but that’s ok.  He goes to the bar, grabs the attention of the guy behind it and orders a frosty one. While he waits for it to arrive he looks around and notices that there are a few people in there but its not packed. As he turns back, the bartender puts down in front of him a cold mug filled with the amber nectar of  the gods. He takes a sip and starts reading his paper. Suddenly as he is reading the sports section, he is struck with a sharp pain in his gut, but much to his relief. He realises that it wasn’t last nights peperoni and mushroom pizza visiting its revenge on him. It was just the mother of all farts making its way to his bung hole.

Looking around he see’s that no one is really near him , and the music is still pretty loud. So he decides to fart in time to the chorus so no one would be the wiser to what he was doing. The song plays and he is pretty good at timing the farts, only once or twice did he have to pinch them off as the song changed or it got to a quiet melody. He eventually finished his beer and decided to head off home shortly afterwards. As he steps out of the bar a friend of his bumps into him and say’s hello, but the music from the bar was still too loud, and he shouts this to his friend.

Who then reachs up to the sides of his head and takes out the ipod earphone’s stuck in his ears. The only sound he then heard was everyone in the bar killing themselves laughing.

I cant help it, it still makes me laugh. Anyway, this brings me to something that happened to me today.

I was leaving a meeting and talking to one of the other people who had been in it, discussing some action points which we needed to follow up on as a result of the meeting. I walked towards the lift well so i could go back to my floor and was pretty deep into our conversation. The lift arrived and while still talking to my colleague I backed into it, and hit the button for my floor. The doors closed and i took a moment for myself.

By this i mean i let rip a series of giant reverbarating farts which i had been holding in for half of the meeting, for fear of gassing everyone in the room. It felt great to finally release the pressure. Now one of the things i have done ever since a little child is to make like im pulling on a steam whistle or truck horn chain when i am alone and letting a big one rip. I think its because i used to say “Toot toot” at the same time when i was little as a joke or something.

So with my hand in the air mid pretend whistle/truck horn pull i hear over the sound of my not so little motor, someone cough, and it fucking wasn’t me.

I turn arround and there ladies and gentleman, i swear to you, was the COO of our company. I quickly smiled at him, gave a little nod, straightned up, said excuse me, turned back to the doors just as they opened on to a floor and got out of that fucking elevator.

All the while my internal monologue voice was screaming.


I’m not liking my bonus chances as much as i did yesterday.


Spring Cleaning.

For the last month my PC has been screaming like a banshee that caught her boyfriend making time with her sister. Which has really been annoying me over the past week or so as I have just started watching Lost from the beginning now that its in its final season. Lost much to my annoyance uses silence as a suspense tool. Which I think is just them being too cheap to fork out for a good piece of suspense music, but it doesn’t change the fact that you seem to spend a good amount of time straining your ears to hear that rustle of a bush or snap of a twig.

Due to the screaming that my PC makes, this is rather difficult, and yesterday I finally cracked it and pulled it apart trying to work out why. The Vid Card was my first point of call, and while there was a bit of dust stuck in the blades of the impeller design fan that it used this was easily removed with the vacuum cleaner hose attachment. I then had a good scrub of the PSU fan intake and exhaust.

I then moved on to the CPU fan. Which I believed to be the culprit. Since I built the machine back on ’05, I don’t think I had done anything more vigorous that just stick the vacuum hose on top of the fan blades and giggle as it made the fan spin. So I unbolted the fan and levered it off. Which was instantly follow by a brown stained shorts creating moment when I realised I had also levered the CPU out of it mounting bracket due to the thermal paste’s might of holding +1000 ability. A very close inspection showed no bent pins and the gaping green pieces of PCB that I could see were designed into the Socket 939 chipset and not the remnants of where I had ripped some out.

By now my heart beat had returned to something close to normal, so I carefully levered the CPU off the heatsynch base and stuck it back in the socket. This freed me up to inspect the heatsynch closer and it was then that I realised that my giggle laden vacuum hose sucking efforts (wow that could be taken the wrong way!) had been exceedingly less effective that I had imagined.

The top inch and a half of the heat synch fins were impacted with dust, a solid layer of it. The base of the fins also had another layer, this one only about half an inch. So when you consider the entire assembly sans fan is about 2 and a half inch’s tall. That’s a buttload of space which should have currents of air being sucked through to cool those fins, rather than suffocate those airways and have a semi insulation effect so that it acts more like a goose down duvet.

It took me a good 40 minutes to clean it out, during which time the batteries on the swiffer spinning anti static duster died. TWICE. The vacuum cleaner ironically overheated and stopped working. And I blew air through my mouth so many times that my cheeks started to hurt. But I eventually got it all out. There is a base coat still on everything but unless I break out a wire pipe cleaner or brush it aint going anywhere.

I then spent about 5 minutes swearing at two little plastic clips which I at the same time was working carefully not to break, yet wished with all my heart for their destruction and the long and painful death of their designer. These clips were for the CPU heatsynch mount to lock itself to the mobo. MOST. RETARDED. DESIGN. EVER!

The PC is now whisper quiet again, and I can hear Lost in all its glory. Which in many ways has become more annoying that the assut to my ear drums that the CPU fan used to be.

I have just started in on series three and have to say that the sh!t going down with the “Others” is very interesting. Yet I am constantly amazed and extensivly frustrated the reason that so much bad stuff happens is because no one tells each other the full story. Or even half of it. Its like they get some sort of perverse sexual pleasure by withholding information from one another. “Yeah withholding info killed those people, whoopsies I should have told you earlier when you were asking me about that really important thing that I knew could have killed people. Who’d have thunk it?”

Have to say that I am very happy with my decision to stop watching it until the end was in sight because id have blown my stack multiple times if I had been watching it weekly like everyone else. Because the writers seem to have deliberatly gone out of their way to demonstrate in multiple situations and painstaking detail how retarded their characters truly are. The only way they could end the show on a good note from some of the things I have seen, is to make sure everyone dies so I can breath a sigh of reliefe that there si no chance of their stupidity entering into the fictional TV gene pool.