Archive for category General Update

It rubs the lotion on.

Something happened at work today which I think was interesting and amusing so I thought I would share with you all.

Everyone these days has a ringtone for their phone which is invariably a song by some band or pop group which can be easily recognised. Now in my opinion these things act as a pretty good indication of the type of person who owns the phone and set the ring tone. This isn’t a 100% accurate rule as every now and then you will have a kindly looking grandmother whose purse starts blaring out Kanye West’s “Gold digger” or Rage Against The Machines ” Killing in the name of” because their grandchildren thought it would be funny. Personally I agree with the kids.

Anyway, for myself I have set Greens Keepers – Lotion as its a nice catchy little tune about something seriously fucked up. Which appeals to my personal sense of humor. As most people do I set the ring tone for my own enjoyment but unlike most I did keep in mind that  other people will have to hear this from time to time so kept the nice long intro. Most days when it rings i can pick it up before it gets to any lyrics. So you just have a catchy guitar riff and that’s pretty much it.

Well today I was caught out on a call already on the work phone when my mobile (cellphone for all you US readers) went off.  I had just been about to leave  so had already put my mobile into my pocket and taken it off silent, when my direct line on the work phone went off. It was from a number I knew and I needed to speak to this person about a problem one of our customers was having. I started writing down some details, and that’s when my mobile started ringing. I had no choice but to let it ring out.

One of my colleagues immediatly challenged me as I got off the phone.

Them: ” Hey! Whats that their singing on your ring tone?!”

Me: ” Errr sorry? Oh erm, their singing about lotion.” 

I was caught off guard so didn’t know really how to answer them.

Them: ” No they were singing about membranes and hoses and shit!”

Me: “Well you know that movie Silence of the Lambs?” They nodded. “ Well its a song about that, specifically when the guy had the girl down the hole and was telling her to rub the lotion on.”

Them: ” That’s sick.. I thought it had a funky tune, but that’s fucked up Anthony. You should take that off. People will think you like that stuff.”

Now I’m not one to like being told how I should live my life. As I see it as long as I harm no one in my personal pursuit of happiness then its no ones business.

Me: ” Well yeah I suppose you could think that, but I don’t. I think its pretty funny, such a nice sounding song about something seriously fucked up. You know, it messes with your head a bit. I don’t see any reason why I should change it, its like the Bacon flavored jelly beans. A joke for me alone.”

At this point their phone rang, like it does every half hour or so. Christina Aguilera singing about how Dirty she is.

I hardly think my co-worker is in any position to lecture me.

Twenty Ten. A New Beggining. Again.

It has been a few days now since NYE. I have recovered sufficiently to do something more than lie in my bed and silently scream WHY, OH DEAR GOD WHY, DID I HAVE THOSE LAST THREE VODKA SHOTS?!?!

Yes I slightly overdid it on NYE. As a result I missed a New Years Day BBQ being held by one of my co-workers. A shame because it sounded like it was going to be fun. But my overindulgence gave me time to think about the coming year, and solidify some plans. Firstly I need to start writing again. So expect the Nerdvana section to get an update in the next week or so. Secondly I need a new TV, to obtain a new TV I need more liquid capital. So I have set myself a goal to pay off my car loan before the end of the month. To do this, things will get rather lean around the old homestead. But it will be worth it.

Finally I need to upgrade my tech infrastructure at home. I can no longer continue to run things in the slipshod way, they are currently. My main PC desperately needs an upgrade, it no longer does even a passing job at playing EvE. With the new TV I will need a HTPC to make full use of it, and it is beyond time for me to set up a proper NAS. I am living on borrowed time with my current storage system (if you could even call it that) and have no where to physically put another hard drive in my main PC to manage the ever expanding storage requirements I have.

I’m feeling energised and excited about these new challenges I have set for myself along side the others I have. I also need to wipe off the credit card debt I have been ignoring for the last year and a half, along with the requirement to save up for a trip overseas at the end of the year. So i wont have to spend Christmas with my family.

So 2010 will be The Year of Money for me. Everything will revolve around it. But at the end of it. I should be pretty damn well setup. I just need to find a TV with 5 HDMI ports.

Belated Christmas Present.

Well it’s boxing day here but still technically Christmas Day in the US and the UK. So it still counts!

CosplayChristmas

I have put together a couple of special Cosplay pages for Christmas. So please go and open these little presents I have made for you all. I hope you enjoy.

Special Horrible Cosplay Christmas Edition ‘09

Special Cosplay Done Right Christmas Edition ‘09

Have a safe and Happy New Year.

Anthony

Norman Rockwell. If the fucker wasn’t already dead. I’d kill him.

Ahh Christmas, such a wonderful time of year. Where families gather together so they can spend one magical day with one another, basking in all their love and tidings of joy.

Or so that fucktard Rockwell would have us all believe. That man has a serious amount of shit to answer for. Because he has single handedly generated an ideal of Christmas which is wholly unrealistic and unattainable.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Exhibit C

 

Above you have three exhibits of Rockwell’s work. Exhibit A shows us the ideal Christmas dinner, with the whole family gathered around the table, and mum serving the pièce de résistance, while father looks on in from the head of the table. Families every where try to emulate this crock of shit, and it is their downfall. What really happens is Mum slaves away in the kitchen for 12 hours, while dad drinks a 5th of scotch and the kids all sit around plugged into whatever electronic device they have to hand. Anything to not actually participate in the farce being presented to the relo’s who are on their way over.

Exhibit B shows a family welcoming one of their own back from their travels, where all the people are overjoyed because of this persons presence. You get the sense that Christmas isn’t about things, but really about the people you spend it with. BZZZZZT WRONG! Most families can barely stand to spend 15 minutes together. Unless this poor schmuck was delivering the booze supply then he wouldn’t be welcomed like that in most houses. Because how do you make 10 or 12 people get along and seem happy for some one’s arrival when they have been carrying on a factional guerrilla war, where the battlefields are the places and times past, wheresomeone has done something which impacted negatively on one of the others. Oh yeah feel the love!

Exhibit C is the family piling in to grandma’s with their arms stuffed with presents, faces showing just how excited and happy they are to have arrived.  As if saying you can only show your love for another person by buying them things. Exhibit C truly isn’t the worst of them. Because at least it comes right out and says that its a tool of commercialism.

All of the above pictures give families everywhere a false ideal of Christmas. The unattainable Christmas where everything goes right, and everyone gets along and no one is eyeing the butter knife mentally calculating how many slashes it would take to nick a vein?

Don’t get me wrong I like Christmas, I just cant stand all the bullshit that we are expected to swallow in the pursuit of the “perfect” Christmas. If you want to experience the real joy of Christmas, go to your local charity centre and ask them if they need a hand. Forget about trying to capture the perfect Christmas, because you will never achieve it. Instead do something for those who are less fortunate and show them some love along with tidings of joy.

On that note Happy Christmas everyone.

Anthony 

Shopgirl strangeness.

Well I had to head out during my lunch hour today to pick up a present for the person I had in the office Kris Kringle. Knowing the person who I was buying for well enough, I decided on a gift voucher to his favorite book store. Its a specialty bookstore you see, dealing with Sci Fi and Fantasy pretty exclusively. There are some other sub genre’s that are available there but only because no other bookstore in their right mind would stock them.

I had a bit of a poke around before I went to the counter to purchase the gift certificate, so when I finally did approach it there was already someone being served. Though not too successfully as I heard the man behind the counter saying ” I have tried running it through four times now and its still getting declined. Do you have another card sir?”  From his voice I could tell he just wanted to stab the customer in the throat with the nearest pen or one of the handy dandy miniature Star Wars light saber keyrings on sale at the counter. Only $5.95!!!

This meant that when I was called to the other end of the counter I was being served by a rather plain looking girl who would have been in her mid 20’s. But when I say “being served” I am not entirely being accurate. Because after being called over, the girl instantly started looking at my chest. Quite intensly actually. So much so, that I started to think she might have a stigmatism of some sort, so I should just plow ahead and pretend I hadnt noticed. You know, not wanting to be rude by drawing attention to someones physical differences and all. It had been a few seconds now since being called over so I decided to make the first move towards completing a transaction.

” Hello, I was wondering if you had gift cards or certificates for sale?” The shopgirl still stared intently at my chest, however I must have gotten through to her a little because she started talking in a very low voice just barely above a whisper. ” I, like, your, tie. It, is,very, very, red.” Each word was separated by just a beat before she went on. This coupled with the intense stare which still continued, instantly had me worried. Had I inadvertently worn a colour which has sent her into some sort of fit? Instantly the female scientist in the original Andromeda Strain film sprang to mind, she had problems with red lights didn’t she? 

But she went on in that same voice. ” Your, tie, is, so, red, I, have, this, thing, for, the, colour, red, and, you, tie, is, the, reddest, thing, I, have, seen, all, day.” Alarm bells are starting to go off in my head. Yet i replied, thanking her for her compliment saying I quite liked it too. I realised then, that maybe I shouldn’t have expected to just slip in and slip back out of a bookstore devoted to Sci Fi and Fantasy fiction, without encountering some form of weirdness. Be it from the staff or a customer.  Bored, rude, obstructionist, and plain stupid I was ready for. But I really hadn’t prepared myself for this.  This, this was something else entirely.

While I had been thinking all this she quite visibly, made a great effort to turn her head away from looking at me, and told herself. ” Stop looking at the nice mans lovely red tie.” At this point she turned into a very normal shop assistant and began going through the process of charging my credit card for the gift certificate I had asked for. But she wouldn’t look at me the entire time she was writing it up in their ledger.

Once I had signed everything and she had taken down the gift certificate number I thanked her for her help, and wished her a good day. I am pretty sure she didn’t hear me. Once again she was staring at my chest. Turning her whole self towards me, and kept turning as I walked to the front of the shop. I’m fairly certain I heard her say as I was leaving, “That, is, the, reddest, red, tie.”

After that I didn’t batt an eye when the bus that turned up to take me back to the office was being driven by Santa Clause who bellowed HO HO HO every time we passed a woman wearing something revealing as we drove down George St.

Wednesdays… Just cant trust them.

Holy crap I’ve made a Blog.

It seems a little strange writing a welcome message to absolutely no one. Because right now no one knows that this place exists. Thinking about things from a harsh reality perspective, that is more than likely going to be the case in the long term as well. My dreams of fame, fortune and walking down a red carpet lined with reporters, with some curvy brunette sexpot ( who is just dieing to go back to the hotel room to have her wicked way with me) on my arm will hardly ever come true as the result of a Blog.

But it cant hurt…

Anyway. I should tell you a little about myself.

First thing that everyone should know, is that I am a dude. So that colours pretty much everything in my life.

The second thing, is I very much like being a dude. Women really did get screwed over in the gender war, and I thank the great Flying Spaghetti Monster every day that I don’t have to deal with the shit they do. Plus I’d never get anything done if I had my own set of boobs. I would constantly be trying to answer questions I have not had a chance to get answered. Can one motor boat ones own boobies? Is it possible to knock yourself out with one?

The third thing, which is vitally important is that I am a gamer. This means that i spend large amounts of time staring at screens be they TV or Computer, making little representations of myself do things i would never do in real life. But i take those things seriously.

There are plenty of other “things” that describe me. But if i tried to list them all you would open up google and start searching for ways to off yourself faster than i could say.. well anything else.

Anyway. My intentions for this shabby little corner of da Internets is to give me a place to put out there the things i find funny in life, along with the things that happen in my life that might just make other people laugh. Usually these revolve around some event in which i have caused myself harm either through stupidity or lack of attention. I’ll put together a list of greatest hits that my friends already know. So you will get an idea of the fun things you can expect. Trust me, my past pain will provide you current joy.

Anthony.

Oh one last thing, my spelling and grammar are pretty crap. I know it, and its something I am actively working on. So cut me some slack, if you don’t, you might very well see your comments feature in a future update of mine. Just saying.

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